Electronic Device One-Pager

Top Electronic Device Excuses

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Here are some of the more common remarks when I attempt to confiscate an electronic device in class.

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Good Riddance!

new student

When you are a teacher, much of your day depends on other people’s choices. Guidance coordinators, parents, and other teachers must place and remove students from your class as they need to, so you don’t have much choice in who your students are. Some students you can’t stand are suddenly on your roll book, while others you adore disappear without warning. Often you will celebrate when a problematic student is removed from the roster, only to be replaced by one much worse. That’s teaching, though. The only thing you can do is be a source of light for all students, so they will remember you fondly. And not shank you when you turn around.

The Half Hug

half hug

Many teachers have a hands-off policy where they never make any kind of physical contact with a student. They believe that if they maintain this policy that nobody will ever have reason to falsely accuse them of any kind of crime. I respect this policy, but it’s not my style. I like to wake up sleeping kids by patting their arms, to give high-fives to students who do well, and when they are overcome with grief or happiness, they might attempt to hug me.

The problem is that a hug is rather intimate, and can bring up awkward situations like the correct cheek distance, appropriate squeeze strength,  or the problem of chest-brushing. My solution is the half-hug. A half-hug is not an outright rejection of a child who comes to you with open arms. It’s less uncomfortable than a full hug. It has little connotation that can be misconstrued, and a back pat adds that universal sign of platonic affection* so that there are no mixed signals involved. It also leaves a free hand for self-defense or sipping coffee.

In today’s day and age, it’s prudent to take measures of precaution: never be alone in a room with a student with a closed door, never discuss a student’s physical appearance, and if faced with a hug, a half-hug is acceptable as long as it is executed correctly (see diagram), and in public.

* If you did not know, a hand patting your back during a hug signals absolutely no romantic interest. Take note, those of you who are single. If you are dating and the date ends with a hand patting your back, it’s best to move on.

You’re Stuck Here!

can i go

I offer my students a generous two emergency passes per year, one per semester. Any more than two passes is an invitation to the dark side of all manner of evil. Some teachers don’t let their students leave at all. I remind students of this when they complain about my policy.