Guest Cartoonist: Why Do You Get To Use Your Phone?

bethany phone comic

Our guest cartoonist is back. She will turn 7 next month. 🙂
Here is the dialogue:
Student: “Why do you get to use your phone in class?”
Teacher: “Because I’m the boss of you and go back and do your work.”
Student: “Ugh!”

I Keep Bumping Into Desks

smaller aisles

I keep bumping into desks. When I think I can fit through the aisle, I realize I was wrong. I keep having the awkward experience of my body accidentally brushing a student. Unfortunately, I have the sneaking suspicion that the aisles aren’t getting smaller.

Olympic Singles Whining

whining

I was thinking: what sport should be added to the Olympics that my students could do well — even medal — in? If whining were an Olympic sport, high school students would dominate. Of course, I would probably qualify, too.

The Half Hug

half hug

Many teachers have a hands-off policy where they never make any kind of physical contact with a student. They believe that if they maintain this policy that nobody will ever have reason to falsely accuse them of any kind of crime. I respect this policy, but it’s not my style. I like to wake up sleeping kids by patting their arms, to give high-fives to students who do well, and when they are overcome with grief or happiness, they might attempt to hug me.

The problem is that a hug is rather intimate, and can bring up awkward situations like the correct cheek distance, appropriate squeeze strength,  or the problem of chest-brushing. My solution is the half-hug. A half-hug is not an outright rejection of a child who comes to you with open arms. It’s less uncomfortable than a full hug. It has little connotation that can be misconstrued, and a back pat adds that universal sign of platonic affection* so that there are no mixed signals involved. It also leaves a free hand for self-defense or sipping coffee.

In today’s day and age, it’s prudent to take measures of precaution: never be alone in a room with a student with a closed door, never discuss a student’s physical appearance, and if faced with a hug, a half-hug is acceptable as long as it is executed correctly (see diagram), and in public.

* If you did not know, a hand patting your back during a hug signals absolutely no romantic interest. Take note, those of you who are single. If you are dating and the date ends with a hand patting your back, it’s best to move on.

You’re Stuck Here!

can i go

I offer my students a generous two emergency passes per year, one per semester. Any more than two passes is an invitation to the dark side of all manner of evil. Some teachers don’t let their students leave at all. I remind students of this when they complain about my policy.

Correcting Other Peple’s Grammar

correcting grammar

I’m sorry…I just can’t help it. It’s a natural instinct. I can’t stop correcting other people’s grammar. I do it out loud. I do it to their faces. If someone gets irritated with me, I can stop doing it verbally, but it still resonates in my brain. Is this some kind of disorder? Maybe I will Google it and see.